"Ah, but man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's heaven for?" -- Robert Browning
"All art is a revolt against man's fate." -- Andre Malraus
"All cruelty springs from weakness." -- Seneca
"All heiresses are beautiful." -- John Dryden
"All I know is just what I read in the papers." -- Will Rogers
"All power corrupts, but we need electricity." -- D. W. Jones
"Americans say they need oil, but every time it washes up on shore they complain." -- George Carlin
"An actor is a sculptor who carves in snow." -- Edwin Booth
"Anatomy is destiny." -- Sigmund Freud
"And now for something we hope you'll really like!" -- Rocky
"Anything worth doing, is worth doing for a profit." -- Teresias
"Argument is the worst sort of conversation." -- Jonathan Swift
"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality." -- Albert Einstein
"Audacity, and again audacity, and always audacity." -- Georges Jacques Danton
"Backward ran sentences until reeled the mind." -- Wolcott Gibbs
"Bad artists always admire each other's work." -- Oscar Wilde
"Bad laws are the worst sort of tyranny." -- Edmund Burke
"BASIC is junk food for the mind." -- Alfred Bork
"BASIC is the acne of computer science." -- John Allen
"BASIC is the Laverne and Shirley of computing." -- Alan Kay
"Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home." -- John Howard Payne
"Be prepared to go mad with fixed rule and method." -- Horace
"Be virtuous and you will be eccentric." -- Mark Twain
"Begin in the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop." -- Lewis Carroll
"Beware of Greeks bearing gifts." -- Virgil
"Books without the knowledge of life are useless." -- Samuel Johnson
"Brevity is the soul of wit." -- Shakespeare
"Business will be either better or worse." -- Calvin Coolidge
"C" combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
"Children are our most valuable national resource." -- Herbert Hoover
"Civilization and profits go hand in hand." -- Calvin Coolidge
"Conscience doth make cowards of us all." -- William Shakespeare
"Crime does not pay...as well as politics." -- A. E. Newman
"Dare to be naive." -- Richard Buckminster Fuller
"Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses." -- H. L. Mencken
"Dentist: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets." -- Ambrose Bierce
"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him." -- John Barrymore's dying words
"Discretion is the better part of valor." -- William Shakespeare
"Dreams are the touchstones of our characters." -- Henry David Thoreau
"Education is the transmission of civilization." -- Will and Ariel Durant
"Egotist: a person of low taste more interested in himself than in me." -- Ambrose Bierce
"Enough is as good as a feast." -- John Heywood
"Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects." -- Will Rogers
"Faith has need of the whole truth." -- Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
"False modesty is better than none." -- Vilhjalmur Stefansson
"Fools rush in where angels fear to tread." -- Alexander Pope
"Forgive and forget." -- Cervantes
"Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better." -- Albert Camus
"Gluttony is not a secret vice." -- Orson Welles
"God does not play dice with the universe." -- Albert Einstein
"God helps them that help themselves." -- Benjamin Franklin
"God instructs the heart, not by ideas but by pains and contradictions." -- De Caussade
"Harcourt Fenton Mudd !!! Is that liquor I smell on your breath? Where have you been 'til all hours of the night?"
"Having sex with Rachel, my girlfriend, is amazing. It's like going to a concert -- she yells a lot and throws Frisbees around the room. When she wants more, she lights a match." -- Steven Wright
"Hope springs eternal in the human breast." -- Alexander Pope
"Humankind cannot bear very much reality." -- T. S. Eliot
"Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people." -- Oliver W. Holmes
"I am a part of all that I have read." -- John Kieran
"I am not young enough to know everything." -- James M. Barrie
"I am simply a human being, more or less." -- Saul Bellow
"I bought some powdered water. But I don't know what to add." -- Steven Wright
"I decline to accept the end of man." -- William Faulkner
"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." -- Isaac Asimov
"I don't trust anyone who is afraid to take ownership for their thoughts." -- Mike Tarrani
"I drink to make other people interesting." -- George Jean Nathan
"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day 'cause that means it's going to be up all night." -- Steven Wright
"I hate quotations." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I have a map of the United States. People ask me where I live, and I say, E6." -- Steven Wright
"I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes." -- Steven Wright
"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child." -- Steven Wright
"I invent nothing. I rediscover." -- Auguste Rodin
"I like my dental hygienist. I think she's very pretty. So whenever I go to get my teeth cleaned, while I'm in the waiting room, I eat an entire box of Oreo cookies." -- Steven Wright
"I love my country too much to be a nationalist." -- Albert Camus
"I must follow the people. Am I not their leader?" -- Benjamin Disraeli
"I never think of the future. It comes soon enough." -- Albert Einstein
"I shut my eyes in order to see." -- Paul Gauguin
"I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone." -- Steven Wright
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died." -- Steven Wright
"I think the first duty of society is justice." -- Alexander Hamilton
"I used to be a narrator for bad mimes." -- Steven Wright
"I was a freethinker before I knew how to think." -- George Bernard Shaw
"I went to eat at a place that said 'breakfast anytime.' So I ordered French toast during the renaissance." -- Steven Wright
"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included." -- Steven Wright
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums." -- Steven Wright
"I'd advise youse to keep dialin', Krako." -- Spock
"I'm a doctor, Jim, not a biochemical neuroprotein physiologist!"
"I'm writing a song, but I can't read music, so I don't know what it is yet." -- Steven Wright
"Ideas shape the course of history." -- John Maynard Keynes
"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows." -- Yiddish saying
"If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?" -- Steven Wright
"If models stood sideways and stuck out their tongues, you'd think they were zippers." -- Ed Anger
"If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads." -- Anatole France
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." -- J. Paul Getty
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments." -- Earl Wilson
"If you were in a vehicle and you were traveling at the speed of light and then you turned your lights on -- would they do anything?" -- Steven Wright
"Ignorance is bliss." -- Thomas Gray
"In his private heart no man much respects himself." -- Mark Twain
"In love there is but little rest." -- Chaucer
"In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then He made school boards." -- Mark Twain
"In the future, everyone will be famous for ten seconds." -- Andy Warhol
"In the long run we are all dead." -- John Maynard Keynes
"In time of war the first casualty is truth." -- Boake Carter
"Integrity has no need of rules." -- Albert Camus
"Is it weird in here, or is it just me?" -- Steven Wright
"Is Sonny really kookoo about Cocoa Puffs, or is he just being paid to say that?" -- Jeff Lower
"It is a bad plan that admits of no modification." -- Publilius Syrus
"It is a luxury to be understood." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"It is human nature to think wisely & act foolishly." -- Anatole France
"It is never too late to give up your prejudices." -- Henry David Thoreau
"It is unworthy of excellent men to lose hours like slaves in the labor of calculation." -- Leibniz
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it." -- Steven Wright
"It's not what you eat, it's what you swallow." -- Dan Gookin
"It's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game." -- Grantland Rice
"Justice delayed is justice denied." -- William Gladstone
"Justice is incidental to law and order." -- J. Edgar Hoover
"Justice is truth in action." -- Benjamin Disraeli
"Kimosave" is Indian for "dude."
"Language is the light of the mind." -- John Stuart Mill
"Let justice be done, though the heavens fall!" -- Earl of Mansfield
"Let not the sun go down upon your wrath." -- Ephesians
"Let sleeping dogs lie." -- Charles Dickens
"Let there be spaces in your togetherness." -- Kahlil Gibran
"Let your conscience be your guide." -- Alexander Pope
"Life is a series of rude awakenings." -- R. V. Winkle
"Lo! Men have become the tools of their tools." -- Henry David Thoreau
"Look before you leap." -- Samuel Butler
"Love conquers all things." -- Virgil
"Love demands infinitely less than friendship." -- George Jean Nathan
"Man is what he believes." -- Anton Chekhov
"Man prefers to believe what he prefers to be true." -- Francis Bacon
"Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts to each other without consideration of their relation to experience." -- Albert Einstein
"Modesty is of no use to a beggar." -- Homer
"Mondays are the potholes in the road of life." -- Ziggy
"Never find your delight in another's misfortune." -- Publilius Syrus
"Never look a gift horse in the mouth." -- Saint Jerome
"Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window." -- Steve Wozniak
"Never try to outstubborn a cat." -- Lazarus Long
"Nice guys finish last." -- Leo Durocher
"No evil can happen to a good man." -- Plato
"No man can be a patriot on an empty stomach." -- William Cowper
"No man who is in a hurry is quite civilized." -- Will and Ariel Durant
"No public man can be just a little crooked." -- Herbert Hoover
"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
"Nothing endures like change." -- Heraclitus
"Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it." -- Andrew Young
"Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man." -- Trotsky
"One generation cannot bind another." -- Thomas Jefferson
"One man with courage is a majority." -- Thomas Jefferson
"One who is not wise himself cannot be well advised." -- Machiavelli
"Only a mediocre person is always at his best." -- Somerset Maugham
"Only the shallow know themselves." -- Oscar Wilde
"Originality is the art of concealing your source." -- Franklin P. Jones
"Out of my way! I'm a scientist!" -- War Of The Worlds
"Peace without justice is tyranny." -- William Allen White
"People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it." -- Ogden Nash
"Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. (Confound those who have said our remarks before us.)" -- Aelius Donatus
"Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." -- Don Marquis
"Poverty is the mother of crime." -- Marcus Aurelius
"Prejudice is the reason of fools." -- Voltaire
"Public opinion in this country is everything." -- Abraham Lincoln
"Racism is the snobbery of the poor." -- Raymond Aron
"Rashness attends youth, as prudence does old age." -- Cicero
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time." -- Steven Wright
"Rotten wood can not be carved." -- Confucius (Analects, Book 5, Ch. 9)
"Science commits suicide when it adopts a creed." -- Thomas Henry Huxley
"Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing." -- James Thurber
"Sherman, set the Way-Back Machine for 1492!" -- Mr. Peabody
"Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication." -- Steve Jobs
"Smart people believe only half of what they hear. Smarter people know which half to believe." -- Rose Zugswert
"STELLA!! SHUT UP!!" -- Harry Mudd
"Superstition is a religion of feeble minds." -- Edmund Burke
"Sure, Ronald McDonald is friendly -- but let us not forget that he is also asinine." -- Ryan Gale
"Taken as a whole, the universe is absurd." -- Walter Savage Landor
"Tax reform means 'Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree.'" -- Russell Long
"Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing." -- R. Geis
"The atomic age is here to stay -- but are we?" -- Bennett Cerf
"The best kind of diplomat is a fully loaded phasor bank." -- Montgomery Scott
"The business of America is business." -- Calvin Coolidge
"The cruelest lies are often told in silence." -- Robert Louis Stevenson
"The dirtiest book of all is the expurgated book." -- Walt Whitman
"The greatness of work is inside man." -- Pope John Paul II
"The important thing is not to stop questioning." -- Albert Einstein
"The impossible is often the untried." -- Jim Goodwin
"The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes." -- Frank Lloyd Wright
"The march of the human mind is slow." -- Edmund Burke
"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." -- Henry David Thoreau
"The measure of man is what he does with power." -- Pittacus
"The more wit, the less courage." -- Thomas Fuller
"The only abnormality is the incapacity to love." -- Anais Nin
"The only completely consistent people are the dead." -- Aldous Huxley
"The only proper intoxication is conversation." -- Oscar Wilde
"The only things that should be mouse-driven are cats." -- Tom Wolfe
"The other day I...uh, no, that wasn't me." -- Steven Wright
"The price of greatness is responsibility." -- Winston Churchill
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions." -- Samuel Johnson
"The secret of education is respecting the pupil." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"The thoughtless are rarely wordless." -- Howard W. Newton
"The truth is more important than the facts." -- Frank Lloyd Wright
"The ultimate AI compiler will look at a Benchmark, realize it's useless, not bother to compile it and ask you for something worth doing." -- Jim Omura
"The ultimate in self-actualization is when a person is confused about the difference between employment and recreation." -- Ken Blanchard
"The world is governed by opinion." -- Thomas Hobbes
"The world is my country, science my religion." -- Christiaan Huygens
"The worst vice of the fanatic is his sincerity." -- Oscar Wilde
"There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress." -- Mark Twain
"There is no proverb that is not true." -- Cervantes
"There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist." -- Mark Twain
"There is no sin but ignorance." -- Christopher Marlowe
"There is nothing I love as much as a good fight." -- Franklin Delano Roosevelt
"There is nothing new in art except talent." -- Anton Chekhov
"There is nothing new under the sun." -- Ecclesiastes 1:9
"They talk most who have the least to say." -- Matthew Prior
"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys..."
"Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't." -- William Shakespeare
"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so." -- Ford Prefect
"To be free is to have achieved your life." -- Tennessee Williams
"To enjoy freedom we have to control ourselves." -- Virginia Woolf
"To know all things is not permitted." -- Horace
"To know much is often the cause of doubting more." -- Montaigne
"To me, bad taste is what entertainment is all about." -- John Waters
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." -- Woody Allen
"Today's rebel is tomorrow's tyrant." -- Will and Ariel Durant
"Too clever is dumb." -- Ogden Nash
"Turn the other cheek." -- Jesus Christ
"TV -- chewing gum for the eyes." -- Frank Lloyd Wright
"Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense." -- e e cummings
"Very few people can afford to be poor." -- George Bernard Shaw
"Virtue is its own revenge." -- E. Y. Harburg
"Walk softly and carry a big stick." -- Theodore Roosevelt
"We are all born mad. Some remain so." -- Samuel Beckett
"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
"We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves." -- Eric Hoffer
"We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him." -- Napoleon Bonaparte
"We think in generalities, we live in detail." -- Alfred North Whitehead
"Well, there you go again." -- Ronald Reagan
"When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public property." -- Thomas Jefferson
"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving." -- Steven Wright
"When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. I said, 'no, I made a few mistakes.'" -- Steven Wright
"When it is dark enough you can see the stars." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"When one is painting one does not think." -- Raphael
"When the checks flow, it makes the mailman my favorite person." -- Brock Meeks
"When the toilets flow, it makes the plumber my favorite person." -- Ryan Gale
"Why waste your brain cells on a programming problem when the computer can waste them for you?" -- joe holt
"With a rubber duck, one's never alone." -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"Without work all life goes rotten." -- Albert Camus
"You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of Fortran." -- Alan Perlis
"You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up." -- Richard Nixon [1952]
"You furnish the pictures and I'll furnish the war." -- William Randolph Hearst
"You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog." -- Alfred Kahn
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
"Your ignorance cramps my conversation." -- Anthony Hope
"Youth is the trustee of posterity." -- Benjamin Disraeli
(C) All lyrics copyright 1967 for the world by Northern Songs Ltd. England
*** YOU HAVE DIED ***
1 bulls, 3 cows.
1.79e12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's the law.
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
186,000 miles per second; It's not just a good idea, it's the law.
2 + 2 = 5, for moderately large values of two.
2.998e10 cm/sec; It's not just a good idea, it's the law.
42: The answer to life, the universe, and everything.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
A bird in the bush can't relieve itself in your hand.
A bird in the hand can get pretty messy.
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
A clash of doctrine is not a disaster -- it is an opportunity.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A connection of a thousand modems begins with a statistical multiplexor.
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
A country that put men on the moon can't keep cold cereal from getting soggy.
A country that put men on the moon can't put women in the constitution.
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
A gift of flowers will soon be made to you.
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
A hammer sometimes misses its mark -- a bouquet never.
A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a tank full of gas.
A king's castle is his home.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
A little hard work may not kill me, but why take chances?
A man forgives only when he is in the wrong. A woman forgives always.
A man's best friend is his dogma.
A mind is a terrible thing to taste.
A mistake is evidence someone has done something.
A neat desk is a sign of a sick mind.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A person who fishes for marlin in ponds will put money in Etruscan bonds.
A person who turns green has eschewed protein.
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A programming language is low-level when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
A programming language that does not affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing.
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun.
A silver tongue, a golden touch, and a mink like a steel trap.
A Smartmodem often isn't.
A soft drink turneth away company.
A splendid time is guaranteed for all
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
A thing not worth doing is worth not doing well.
A thing worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody else to do.
A truly wise one never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
A User's Handbook of Hard-to-Remember Mnemonics
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive
About all some people accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
Above all things, reverence yourself.
Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
Act natural.
Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.
Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.
Adults think with their mouths open.
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a darn.
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
After three days a man grows weary of a guest, a wench, and weather dreary.
After you go through all this, you'll lose the will to live.
Ah, women! You can't live with them ... can't you?
Aha! A thief! Didn't I tell you that we needed more security!
Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well.
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it in, and higher pay for not getting it done.
All important decisions must be made on the basis of insufficient data.
All in all, it's just another brick in the wall ...
All roads lead to Amber.
All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All the world is a stage, and we are merely players.
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
All's well that ends well and vice-versa.
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.
Am I seeing things, or is that a mirage?
America's best buy for a dime is a telephone call to the right person.
An elephant is nothing more than a mil-spec mouse that was designed by committee.
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
An optimist believes this to be the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist fears this to be true.
Analog: hors d'oeuvre, usually made with cheese and covered with crushed nuts. Served at all staff parties.
And now a word from our sponsor...
And now, time for something completely different:
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything onto which it is poured.
Ankh if you love Isis.
Anticipated events never live up to expectations.
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes someone wise to be able to sell it.
Any incident you survive is called experience.
Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
Anything's possible, but only a few things actually happen.
Apple: Typically a device used to seduce men. Usually equipped with display screens and/or worms.
Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?
Army Intelligence: A contradiction in terms.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Array: What comes out of Buck Roger's gun.
Artificial intelligence is better than none at all.
As a noted scientist, it was a bit surprising that the girl blinded me with science.
As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
ASCII: A Chinese question
Ask a silly person, get a silly answer.
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
Assassins do it from behind.
Assumed decimal point: Located two positions to the right of a programmer's current salary in estimating his own worth.
Asynch: a place to wash dishes
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
Automatic calling unit: teenager with a telephone
Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable.
Avoid temporary variables.
Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF.
Avoid the program completely if you can't keep the GOTOs readable.
Avoid unnecessary branches.
Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
Back when I was a boy, we had to carve our own ICs out of wood!
Badges? We don't need no stinking badges!
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare!
Bandwidth: The girth of a group of fat musicians.
Bar Chart: A list of places to go when it's Miller time.
Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.
Baud: lady of the evening
Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
Be careful! Is it classified?
Be mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.
Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
Be yourself -- it's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it.
Beam me up, Scotty, the elevators don't work.
Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life here.
Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
Being sexy is a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it.
Bell's Rule: "The average time between throwing something away and needing it badly is two weeks. This time can be reduced to one week by retaining the thing for a long time first."
Berserkers do it without thinking.
Better dead than mellow.
Better late than really late.
Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
Better living through alchemy.
Better to be a mouse in the jaws of a cat, than a man in the hands of a lawyer.
Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
Beware of a tall dark man with a dog up his nose.
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
Beware of the Quantum Ducks. Quark! Quark! Quark!
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
Beware the new TTY code!
Billion squared = One Sagan
Billions and billions and billions and billions of Carl Sagans...
Binary: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
Bipolar: Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, New York
Bisynch: Farewell to the dish washing place
Bit rate: how often you are bitten
Bit: Similar to a nibble. Commonly eight nibbles to a mouthful.
Bit: The increment by which programmers slowly go mad.
Bit: twelve and a half cents
Blah, blah, blah, blublublah blah blah.
Blessed are they that park too close to each other, for they shall be known as door bangers.
Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
Blessed is the user who expects nothing, as he will not be disappointed.
Blood is thicker than water -- and much tastier.
Body odor is the window to the soul.
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.
Book Title: Suggestibility Cured Through Hypnosis
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Boren's Laws: 1) When in charge, ponder, 2) When in trouble, delegate, 3) When in doubt, mumble.
BPI: a 1960's term used to describe unmentionable parts of the anatomy, as in "you bet your bpi".
Brain fried -- core dumped.
Broad band: all girl orchestra.
Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
Bubble Memory: a derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
Bug: small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.
Built for comfort, not for speed.
Bumper Sticker: Honk if you are against Noise Pollution
Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
Burma Shave.
Bus: As in Greyhound, or PDP, upon which all data commute to work.
By definition, one divided by zero is undefined.
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
Byte rate: how fast you can eat.
Byte: a mouthful, as in "How many bytes in a Big Mac?"
Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.
Calm down, it's only ones and zeros.
Campus Crusade for Cthulhu. It found me!
Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?
Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun.
Card Reader: Woman who tells fortunes.
Chaining: A method of attaching programmers to desks to speed up output.
Change your thoughts and you change your world.
Chaos is King, and Magic is loose in the world.
Chaotic Amorals have more fun.
Chaotic Evil means never having to say you're sorry.
Character Density: the number of very weird people in the office.
Charity: A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
Checkpoint: The location from which a programmer draws his salary.
Chemical engineers make the best heat exchangers.
Chinese saying: He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks.
Chip: Any number of small crunchy objects often served with onion dip.
Choose variable names that won't be confused.
Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
Christians do it with grace.
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
Classified material requires proper storage.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Coan's Law: "If it looks complicated, lose interest."
Code: virus lasting about three to five days, accompanied by sore throat, runny nose and fever.
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
Come on in, have a seat. And if you find one, let me know.
Command: statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
Comments: See fixed work length.
Common Language: The first thing a programmer must forget in order to be successful.
Common sense is not so common.
Compile: a heap of decomposing vegetable matter.
Compiler: Program that continually finds fault with your work. See also wife.
Complaint is the largest tribute heaven receives, and the sincerest part of our devotion.
Complex: Adjective used to describe problems to be avoided.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers make excellent and efficient servants. But I do not wish to serve under one.
Computers will never replace the wastebasket when it comes to streamlining office work.
Concatenation: Catholic ritual performed once a year to bless programmers.
Conform, go crazy, or become a writer.
Conform, go crazy, or become an artist.
Confucius say, "Man who sleep on railroad track wake up with split personality."
Congressional Virus 2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Conquering Russia is a steppe by steppe process.
Consider you have a bell in your house which anyone in the world can ring.
Continental Life. Why do you ask?
Conversational Mode: describes the typical office the day after a major sporting event.
Core Storage: A receptacle for the center section of apples.
Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown sky-high with a dynamite bomb.
Could John Wayne have ever taken Normandy, Iwo Jima, Korea, the Gulf of Tonkin, and the entire Wild West on a diet of quiche and salad?
Counter: A device over which martinis are served.
Courage is grace under pressure.
Courage is your greatest present need.
CPU: a juvenile way of telling your dog he missed the paper.
Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
CRT: a movie about a little alien who forgets his telephone number and must write home.
Cthulhu for President--if you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.
Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
Cursor: an expert in four-letter words.
Cybermats, why does it have to be cybermats?
Dan Quayle Virus 2: Their is sumthing rong with your compueter, ewe just can't figyour out watt.
Dan Quayle Virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.
Danger, Will Robinson.
Dave's not here.
Death: To stop sinning suddenly.
Debug: the act of placing shoe leather against a small creeping creature.
Debugging Aids: Insecticides.
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.
Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
Descartes was sitting at a sidewalk cafe, having finished his meal. A waiter asked him, "Would you care for desert?" "I think not," replied Descartes. Then he disappeared.
Detroit implores: Buy American! The Seville, the Capri, the Granada, the Monte Carlo...
Did you know that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?
Digital watches are still a pretty neat idea.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggy' until you can find a rock.
Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
Disk crunch -- please clean up.
Distress: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for it makes them soggy and hard to light.
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.
Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them.
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
Do not throw butts in the urinals, for they are subtle and quick to anger.
Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
Do you know where your towel is?
Dochter's Dictum: "Somewhere, right now, there's a committee deciding your future; only you weren't invited."
Dogs do not dislike poor families.
Don't ask me -- I have intermittent memory loss.
Don't believe in no-win scenarios.
Don't comment bad code -- rewrite it.
Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
Don't crack up. Bend your brain. See both sides. Throw off your mental chains.
Don't despair -- your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
Don't diddle code to make it faster -- find a better algorithm.
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
Don't get even -- get odd!
Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
Don't get your knickers in a twist.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Don't let your willpower get the best of you.
Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
Don't marry for money...You can borrow it cheaper.
Don't patch bad code -- rewrite it.
Don't quit now, we might just as well lock the door and throw away the key.
Don't rush me -- I'm dawdling as fast as I can
Don't stop at one bug.
Don't tell me what you dreamed last night for I've been reading Freud.
Don't touch that dial!
Don't worry about being in a dangerous situation. You have the rest of your life to straighten it out.
Donsen's Law: "The specialist learns more and more about less and less until, finally, he knows everything about nothing; while the generalist learns less and less about more and more until, finally, he knows nothing about everything."
Downtime: coffee breaks, lunch, or Friday mentality in the office.
Dr. Livingston, I presume.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Drugs affect children the opposite way they affect adults.
Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Dummy Arguments: Discussions between operators.
Dump: Slang term for the computer building. (i.e. Why do I spend so much time in this dump??)
Dump: the EPA's answer to health.
Dyslexics have more fnu.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
Each class of men is created equal.
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy.
Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
Ehrlich's Rule: "The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts."
Elevators smell different to midgets
Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Entropy requires no maintenance!
Envelope delay: the U.S. Postal Service
Error: something only humans can commit.
Error: What someone else has made when he disagrees with your computer output.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you're dressed for it.
Even a cabbage may look at a king.
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
Even barbarians like chocolate chip cookies.
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
Ever seen well-preserved ruins?
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
Every creature has within itself the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
Every generation laughs at old fashions, but follows religiously the new.
Every nation has the government it deserves.
Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was built, and another for which it wasn't.
Every program is a part of some other program and rarely fits.
Every purchase has its price.
Every silver lining has a cloud inside it.
Every spam is sacred.
Everybody generalizes.
Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!
Everybody ought to have a friend.
Everybody wants to rule the world.
Everyone has to believe in something; I believe I'll have another beer.
Everyone is enthusiastic about your work.
Everyone was born right-handed. Only the greatest overcome it.
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Everything that is different is a different thing.
Everything you know is wrong.
Experience is just another name we give to our mistakes.
External Storage: Wastebasket.
Eye abject two awl homonyms!
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
Familiarity breeds.
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
FIFO: common name for a dog.
Fimbriation is a borderline case.
Finagle's first Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.
Fishbein's Conclusion: "A tire is only flat on the bottom."
Fixed Word Length: Four-letter words used by programmers in a state of confusion.
Flash! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
Flattery is the sincerest form of imitation.
Flee at once, all is discovered.
Floating control: A characteristic exhibited when you have to go to the bathroom but can't leave the computer.
Floating point: The absolute limit before floating control is lost.
Flow chart: A graphic representation of the fastest route to the restroom.
Fools ignore complexity. Pragmatists suffer it. Geniuses remove it.
For all you do, disk bugs for you.
For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
Forecasting is difficult, especially about the future.
Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.
Format: What you wipe your feet on before entering the computer building.
Free: Obsolete expression.
Freezer burn.
French has a Je ne sais quoi, which in another language would be merely a -- I don't know what.
Frequency modulations: "Not tonight, I have a headache."
Fresco's Discovery: "If you knew what you were doing, you'd probably be bored."
Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Friends: People who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
Frobizz! Frobozzle! Frobnoid!
Full duplex: no vacancies
Function: What a program never does on the first run.
Gallup Virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
General notions are generally wrong.
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
George Bush Virus: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my test.... no new files!" on the screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congress Virus.
Get thee to a nunnery.
Getty's Reminder: "The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights."
Give a man a horse... and he thinks he's enormous.
Give me that REAL old time religion: Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Danu, Inanna...
Give up Catholicism for Lent.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Go ahead, Billy...I've warned you once before about playing under the anvil tree.
Go ahead... make my day.
Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
Go not to the elves for council, for they will say both no and yes.
Go, lemming, go!
God didn't create the world in seven days -- He goofed off for six, then pulled an all-nighter.
God gave us two ears and one tongue so that we may listen twice as much as we speak.
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
God is a trademark of AT&T Bell Labs.
God is not dead; He is only swapped out.
God is real unless declared integer.
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
God must love the common person: He made so many of them.
Good intentions are far more difficult to cope with than malicious behavior.
Good intentions randomize behavior.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
Gordon's Law: "If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased."
Goto: Often used in conjunction with Biblical locations. See also: Fixed work length.
Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Gravity. It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
Groebe's Law: "The more complex the problem, the sooner the deadline."
Guards! Throw this trespasser into the glass maze!
Gumby wasn't a blockhead.
Hackers of the world, unite!
Half of what you know today will be obsolete in five years -- but it would be nice to know which half.
Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
Hardware: typically boots, leather and chains. Contrast with software.
Haste makes waste.
Have an adequate day.
Have an illuminated day.
Have you checked the children?
Have you locked your file cabinet?
Haven't you enjoyed just about as much of this as you can stand?
He is considered the most graceful speaker who can say nothing in most words.
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
He speaks Esperanto like a native.
He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
He who always finds fault in his friends has faulty friends.
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
He who hesitates is lost.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
He who invents adages for others to peruse takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
He who laughs last doesn't get the joke.
He who laughs, lasts.
He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
He's dead, Jim.
Head crash: Usually executed by programmer against the nearest wall.
Health Care Virus: Test your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.
Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.
Hell is empty and all the devils are here. [The Tempest]
Hello. You have reached the Coalition To Eliminate Answering Machines. Unfortunately, no one can come to the phone right now...
Hellrung's Law: "If you wait, it will go away." Shavelson's Extension: "...after having done its damage." Grelb's Addition: "If it was bad, it will be back."
Heralds don't pun -- they cant.
Hey! This is a non-smoking area!
High speed line: "My place or yours?"
His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
Histories are fuller of examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends.
Hoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Hollerith: what thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth
Hollow chocolate has no calories.
Home is where you wear your hat.
Honi soit la vache qui rit.
Horowitz's Rule: "A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as twenty men working twenty years."
Houdini's escaping from New Jersey!
Hovancik's Wait till Tomorrow Principle: "Today is the last day of the first part of your life."
How can you work when the system's so crowded?
How many licks does it take to get to the middle of a Tootsie Pop? One... two... three... three.
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
How would you like to have a sexual experience so powerful it will change your political views?
How you look depends on where you go.
Human beings don't live like this.
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
I advocate furtherance of the status quo.
I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent person, you will not sell me another book.
I am not a student of human nature. I am a professor of a far wider academy of which human nature is only a part.
I am not arguing with you -- I am telling you.
I am the Imp of the Perverse (knowing this won't help you either).
I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
I been hypmotized!
I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
I can't be out of money! I still have some checks left!
I can't be overdrawn -- I still have checks left!
I dinna give a hoot about you or your questions! Now, be gone!
I disagree with what you say but will defend to the death your right to tell such lies.
I don't believe in astrology. But, then, I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology.
I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person I preach to.
I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
I have a very bad feeling about this.
I have no comment at this time.
I have not lost my mind -- I know exactly where I left it.
I have not lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I haven't exactly lost it -- it's been temporarily mislaid.
I know karate, kung fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
I know where my towel is.
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I'll always have each other.
I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.
I never spit in your drink -- why do you smoke in my air?
I really hate this damned machine, I wish that they would sell it. It never does quite what I want, but only what I tell it.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.
I think, therefore I am, I think.
I thought YOU silenced the guard!
I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
I used to be sane, but I got better.
I warn you not to underestimate my powers.
I will continue to be an impossible person as long as those who are now possible remain possible.
I will never lie to you.
I will not be pushed, filed, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered. I am not a number! I am a free man!
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
I would rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.
I'm a citizen of the universe, and a gentleman to boot!
I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
I'm always the host.
I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I did, I'd eat it, and God knows I hate the stuff.
I'm going to commit suicide or die trying.
I'm mad as hell and I won't take it any more.
I'm not going to say "I told you so."
I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'm not going.
I'm not tense, just terribly alert.
I'm not unemployed -- I'm looking for the perfect job.
I'm pink, therefore I'm spam.
I'm so meticulous when I do crossword puzzles that I do the horizontal words in blue and the vertical words in red.
I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the Force.
I've had fun before. This isn't it.
I've lost the will to live.
I, too, have often asked myself why I got this fortune.
Ice cream has no bones.
Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, what is an empty desk the sign of?
If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be N-1 passes: Someone in the group has to be the manager.
If a listener nods his head when you are explaining your program, wake him up.
If a man has a nagging wife does that make his home his hassle??
If a program manipulates large amounts of data, it does so in a small number of ways.
If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they'd point in different directions.
If at first you don't succeed, get new batteries.
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
If God had intended Man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
If God hadn't wanted me to be paranoid, He wouldn't have given me such a vivid imagination.
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
If he's going to read us his poetry, just pray he softens us up with some cudgels first...
If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
If ignorance isn't bliss, I don't know what it is.
If life hands you a lemon, clove it!
If people see that you mean them no harm, they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten.
If space itself is warped, then so must I be.
If the auto industry had done what the computer industry has done in the past 30 years, a Rolls Royce would cost $2.50 and would get 2,000,000 miles per gallon.
If the question starts with "Why don't they..." the answer is "money"
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
If voting could change the system, it would be illegal. If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.
If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?
If you are willing to die, you can do anything.
If you ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
If you cut too many corners, you end up running around in circles.
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost!
If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse can happen to either of you for the rest of the day.
If you go to the bathroom during the fourth quarter, you'll be sorry.
If you keep your money in your shoe, then people will know which bills are yours.
If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3 percent?
Ignorance is a lack of knowledge. Stupidity is ignorance with pride.
Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
Ignore this fortune.
Imelda Marcos Virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
Immoral Minority: charter member.
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.
In goes the wine, out comes the truth. (old Spanish proverb)
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
In the future, it will be a relief to find a place without culture.
In the future, love will be taught on television and by listening to pop songs.
In the Land of the Blind, the One-Eyed Man is king.
In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
In unanimity there is cowardice and uncritical thinking.
In wickedness there is a strong strain toward rationality.
Indecision is the basis of flexibility.
Indy 500 proverb: The only bad engine is a dead engine.
Infinite loop: See: loop.
Input: Food, whiskey, beer, aspirin, etc.
Insanity is hereditary -- you get it from your kids.
Institute: An archaic school where football is not taught.
Intelligent users of this system never get this fortune.
Interface: the opposite of "getouttamyface".
Interrupt: Usually the result of a key punch. See also: Head crash.
Investing in ergonomic keyboards? You have only your asterisk.
Is anything really trash before you throw it away?
Is that you, Dave?
Is the surface of a planet the right place for an expanding industrial civilization?
Is there really a United States, or just a bunch of people pretending?
Is this a rhetorical question or is this a rhetorical question?
Is this really happening?
It can't be all that bad. Besides... On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of residence.
It goes without saying that...
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
It is better to be a live dog than a dead lion.
It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
It is better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
It is easier to ask forgiveness than for permission.
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
It is easier to write an incorrect program than to understand a correct one.
It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
It's a poor worker who blames his tools.
It's all in the mind, ya know.
It's better to burn out than it is to rust.
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
It's hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution.
It's impossible to design anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
It's later than you think.
It's mainly odd things he does... helping people...
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
It's not a bug -- it's an undocumented feature.
It's not a dungeon -- it's fortified underground defense installation.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
It's not my FAULT you got this fortune, blame the random number generator.
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
It's not the principle of the thing, it's the money.
It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.
It's you and me against the world -- when do we attack?
Jack Kevorkian Virus: Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
Jesus was born in 4 B.C.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Nobody can find it.
Jone's Law: "The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on."
Jone's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
K: A term used in employment ads to disguise how much they are really willing to pay.
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
Key punch: Error solving procedure used by many programmers consisting of applying his fist to the teletype terminal.
Kill them all -- let God sort them out.
Kilocycle: capital punishment for a bike
Kin: An affliction of the blood
Kiss me -- I'm not Irish, but don't let that stop you.
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either.
Large numbers of things are determined, and therefore not subject to change.
Last guys don't finish nice.
Laugh while you can, monkey boy!
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
Laugh, and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Law of Inertia: "Given enough time, what you put off doing today will eventually get done by itself."
Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Laws are made to be broken.
Lead me not to temptation -- I can find it for myself.
Learned people are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
Lee's Law: "Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there'd be so many."
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
Less filling.
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
Let him who is stoned cast the first sin.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Let the machine do the dirty work.
Let's split up -- we can do more damage that way.
Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth.
Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
Life is a sandwich -- and it's always lunchtime.
Life is complex. It has real and imaginary parts.
Life is like a sewer, what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
Life is like an analogy.
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it.
Life is much too complicated in the morning.
Life is the childhood of immortality.
Life...don't talk to me about life.
Like punning, programming is a play on words.
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
Lincoln's Rule of Return: "When you ask from a stranger that which is of interest only to yourself, always enclose a stamp."
Line printer: Machine that prints lines on blank paper, also known as paper shredder.
LISP: To call a spade a thpade.
Live in Seattle! 100000000000 slugs couldn't be wrong!
Live Lent in the fast lane.
Live now -- procrastinate later.
Live wrong and improper.
Living is easy with eyes closed.
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
Logical operator: Extinct species.
login: phone finally rung itself off the wall
Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught.
Long life is in store for you.
Looking at postcards is better than looking at the real thing.
Looking up is as scary as looking down.
Loop: See: Infinite loop.
Looping: Feeling experienced by drunk programmers.
Losing your driver's license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
Love is a many-gendered thing.
Love is in the offing, said the homicidal maniac.
Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
Love is missing someone even when they're with you.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away.
Lysistrata had a good idea.
Machine language: Grunts, groans, squeaks, shudders, etc.
Macro: The last half of an expression of surprise: "Holy Macro".
Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.
Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Make input easy to proofread.
Make it right before you make it faster.
Make sure all variables are initialized before use.
Make sure comments and code agree.
Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully.
Man alone suffers so excruciatingly in the world that he was compelled to invent laughter.
Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
Man's Law: "No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew it would."
Manners are the noises you don't make when eating soup.
Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.
Many are called, few volunteer.
Many are cold, few are frozen.
Many of the truths we cling to are greatly the result of our own point of view.
Many pages make a thick book.
Many receive advice, few profit from it.
Marriage -- a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Mass bus: A very large bus, sometimes a GMC motor coach, See also: Bus.
Mathematician: a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
May the cube be with you.
May you be forever spared the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.
MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Megahertz: a very large car rental company.
Member: Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force 1990-1951
Memory dump: Amnesia.
Memory should be the starting point of the present.
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings, and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
Menus do not a user friendly program make.
Michael Jackson Virus: Hard to identifiy because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
Microwave: signal from a friendly micro
Might as well be frank, Monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca.
Miksch's Law: If a string has one end, then it has another end.
Milliamp: Mrs. Amp's daughter
Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your half-breed interference.
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure.
Mitchell's Law of Committees: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds
Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
Money is its own reward.
Money is the root of all evil -- and a man needs roots.
Money may buy friendship but money can not buy love.
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
Most people find the concept of programming obvious, but the doing impossible.
Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.
My karma just ran over your dogma.
My life may be strange, but at least it's not boring.
My mind is made up, don't confuse me with facts.
My opponent's best move is my best move.
My opponent's worst move is my best move. I ain't doing so well, am I?
My, I wonder what this fine rope is doing here.
Name of one of Canada's three major political parties: Progressive Conservative
National security is in your hands -- guard it well.
Nature teaches beasts to know their friends.
Necessity is a mother.
Nepotism is okay as long as you keep it in the family.
Network: the occupation of a fisherman.
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
Never give an inch!
Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river.
Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
Never make anything simple and efficient when it can be complex and wonderful.
Never put the screws in the cover until it's functioning properly.
Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
Never tell me the odds -- numbers confuse me.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
New World Order Virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Nice computers don't go down.
Nice computers only go down once a day.
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
No brains, no headache.
No civilized person ever goes to bed the same day he gets up.
No coffee for me, thanks. Coffee just gets in my mouth.
No directory.
No matter where you go, there you are.
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
No one expects the spammish repetition: Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!
No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
No use beating a dead horse.
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
Nobody can fix the economy. Nobody can be trusted with their finger on the button. Nobody's perfect. VOTE FOR NOBODY!
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Non Illegitimus Carborundum. (Don't let the bastards grind you down!)
Not tonight Chekhov, I have an earache.
Note: Now switching to Baudot, adjust your terminal...
Note: System going down at 3:15 for port wedging.
Nothing astonishes people so much as common sense and plain dealing.
Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason.
Nothing shocks me -- I'm a scientist.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
Now and then an innocent person is sent to the Legislature.
Now is not a good time to annoy me.
Nuke the Smurfs.
O'Toole's dictum: "Murphy was an optimist."
Obis's Law: "Someone else probably has the same idea - so (a) get started, (b) plan to do it better."
Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder.
Observation, not old age, brings wisdom.
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon. After a while you run out of air to push against.
Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
Oh, no, not another learning experience!
Oh, no. Not you again.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.
OK to destroy user area?
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Old mercenaries never die. They just go to hell and regroup.
Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Oliver North Virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
On Line: a statement shouted at tennis judges in response to serves being called out.
Once you understand how to write a program, get someone else to write it.
One day I shall burst my bud of calm and blossom forth into hysteria.
One good turn gets most of the blanket.
One more step and the President of the Galaxy is fried meat!
One person tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
One person's constant is another person's variable.
One world is enough for all of us.
Only borrow from pessimists -- they don't expect to be paid back.
Only lefties are in their right minds.
Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we."
Only the elite users of this system get this fortune.
Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
Open the pod bay door, Hal.
Operator: The person who always rips your class project in half when removing it from the line printer.
Opportunity knocks but once.
Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200 megabyte hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 megabytes, and then slowly expands back to 200 megabytes.
Optimization hinders evolution.
Other people's property comes naturally to me.
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
Out of sight is out of mind.
Output: See Floating control.
Overflow: Condition resulting from exceeding floating point.
panic: norsdorf < fisnic
Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world really isn't out to get you.
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
Parity check: agricultural subsidy
Parity error: the parity check is late
Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
Pat Sejak is such a decent guy, I must say.
Patience will come to he who waits for it.
Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
PBS Virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Peace through superior firepower.
Peace through superior swordplay.
Pedestrian: A man who didn't believe his wife when she said they needed two cars.
People have declaimed against luxury for 2,000 years ... and people have always delighted in it.
People look ridiculous when they're in ecstasy.
People of genius make no mistakes. Their errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
People paint with their brains and not with their hands.
People usually get what's coming to them...unless it's been mailed.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
People will do odd things if you give them money.
People will remember you better if you always wear the same outfit.
Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
Phase jitter: nervous reaction to the full moon
Philosophy: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
Police Department Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
Possessor of a mind not merely twisted but actually sprained.
Post Mortem Dump: Place for dead programmers.
Pound for pound, the amoebae is the most vicious animal on earth.
Power is poison.
Premarital sex: Get out and kick those tires!
Press any key, and you die.
Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry.
Program: what commercials try to do to us.
Programmer's Cheer: Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up! Push down! Byte! Byte! Byte!
Programmer: Red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects, and often does.
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
Quantity is no substitute for quality, but it's the only one we've got.
Question Authority -- ask me anything.
Question: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
Quit work and play for once!
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
RAM: a male sheep.
Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
Real men write self-modifying code.
Real Time: here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't deal with science fiction.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle fortunes.
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
Reality is what, when you don't believe in it, won't go away.
Recursion is the root of computation since it trades description for time.
Referee's report on a scientific article: "This paper fills a much-needed gap in the theory."
Rehumanize yourself!
Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function.
Resistance is useless (if less than 1 ohm).
Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.
Rich people will travel great distances to look at poor people.
Right To Life Virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
Robertos, where carne asada is king!
ROM: a RAM after a delicate operation.
Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
RS-232 standard is a non sequitur.
Rule of the Great: When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
Ryan's Law: "Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert."
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
Sattingler's Law: "It works better if you plug it in."
Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
Schools are for training people how to listen to other people.
Scientists have invented a love drug, but it only works on bugs.
Sears Virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
Security is the individual's responsibility.
Segal's Law: "A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure."
Semi-Conductor: a person hired to lead an orchestra before he has graduated from director's school.
Semiconductor: part time band leader
Serenity through viciousness.
Sex is only dirty if it's done right.
Shanebrook's Law: "If you do a job twice, it's yours."
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.
Sign: Haircuts While You Wait
Significant digit: Middle finger of either hand, commonly used by programmers while talking to operators. (I.E. He gave the operator two significant digits.)
Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle that fits them all.
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.
Smith's Fourth Law of Inertia: "A body at rest tends to watch television."
Snow Day -- stay home.
So what; big deal.
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
Software: typically silk nighties, nylons, garter belts. Contrast with hardware.
Solipsists of the world, unite!
Some people are discovered; others are found out.
Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress.
Some world views are spacious, and some are merely spaced.
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
Sooner will people hold fire in their mouths than keep a secret.
Sorry, a serious system error has occurred. ID=42
Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
Star Trek Virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Stay away from flying saucers today.
Steve Wozniak: 21435 Summit Rd., Los Gatos, CA 95030, (408) 257-6666
STOP MAKING SENSE
Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
Stress: That feeling created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living daylights out of someone who deserves it.
Sturgeon's Law: Ninety percent of everything is crud.
Success is a journey, not a destination.
Support bacteria - It's the only culture some people have!
Support free trade -- smuggle!
Support your local thieves' guild -- leave your doors unlocked.
Sushido: The way of the tuna.
Sweeney's Law: "The joy that is felt at the sight of new-fallen snow is inversely proportional to the age of the beholder."
Synch code: SOS from the Titanic
System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
System will be down tomorrow for conversion to COBOL.
System will be going down in 5 minutes for tea and crumpets.
Table manners are for people who have nothing better to do.
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
Tape drive: Best known for its ability to have lunch in the middle of reading the only copy of a source tape.
Tastes great.
Teacher's critique of a term paper: "This report is filled with omissions."
Ted Turner Virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Teletypewriter: talk it over with your Smith-Corona
Terminal: what most people have to be before consenting to see a doctor.
Terry Randle Virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
Texas Virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
That which does not kill you makes you smarter.
That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
That's odd. That's very odd. Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
The Abrams' Principle: The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
The best prophet of the future is the past.
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up at the steam fitters' picnic.
The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous.
The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits...
The doctor tells me to take something for my Kleptomania.
The door is the key.
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
The end of labor is to gain leisure.
The ends justify the means.
The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
The first cup of coffee recapitulates phylogeny.
The following statement is not true:
The following statement is true. The preceding statement is false.
The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
The future exists first in the imagination, then in the will, then in reality.
The future isn't what it used to be. It never was.
The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it.
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.
The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: The one who has the gold makes the rules.
The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
The hell with the prime directive -- let's kill something.
The key to success is sincerity, and when you can fake that you have it made.
The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
The kindest thing I can say about my wife is that her in-laws are a lot nicer than mine.
The less you bother me, the sooner you get results.
The life that is unexamined is not worth living.
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train.
The limits of performance are barriers only to the unimaginative.
The little engineer that could.
The meek don't want it . . .
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
The meek will inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
The more things change, the more they remain the same.
The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is their size.
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
The only winning move is not to play.
The person who buries his head in the sand offers an engaging target.
The person who hates vices hates humanity.
The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
The plural of spouse is spice.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.
The purpose of the propeller is as a fan to keep the pilot cool. Turn it off and watch him sweat.
The quicker you need to find something, the more important a person you must accuse of stealing it.
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travelers pay the expense of it.
The road to success is under construction..
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
The shortest distance between two puns is a straight line.
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
The time is right to make new friends.
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come again...
The unfacts, did we have them, are too imprecisely few to warrant our certitude.
The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be broken.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
The wages of sin are far too low, considering the overhead.
The weather bureau is a non-prophet organization.
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
The worst food a man can eat is wedding cake.
The young want to change the world. The old want to change the young.
Theater nuclear weapons are not very entertaining.
There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own cats.
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of ... in either.
There are only 2000 real people in the world; the rest are bad special effects.
There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
There are those who know that the true way of the Samurai is death.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who divide people into two kinds, and those who don't.
There are two things I dislike in a person - Absentmindedness and... I can't remember the other one.
There are two things on Earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.
There are very few personal problems which can't be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
There is always a party going on somewhere.
There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
There is no substitute for good manners except fast reflexes.
There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
There is no time like the pleasant.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong.
There is nothing like a dead skunk.
There isn't time enough for love, so what does that leave for hate?
There never was a good war or a bad peace.
There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
There's never time to do the job right, so we must find time to do it again.
There's no future in time travel
There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
There's something rotten in the state of Denmark.
They pelted us with rocks and garbage.
They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
They'll take away my sword when they pry my cold dead fingers off the hilt.
Things were never more like they used to be than they are now.
Think "HONK" if you're a telepath.
Think of this as evolution in action.
This fortune boldly goes where no fortune has gone before.
This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
This fortune is, again, redundantly repetitive.
This is a good time to punt work.
This is more fun than humans should be allowed to have...
This isn't reality. This is just a computer simulation.
This last entry is totally up to this module to have a flag to say that the command line is being used and SYSINI can check this flag and exit if true. (SYSXIT, NEWSCN.DOC)
This login session is sanitized for your protection.
This login session: $13.99
This means something. This is important.
This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
This screen intentionally left blank.
This sentence was in the past tense.
This space for rent.
This system is an official radioactive fallout shelter.
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
Those who can do, those who can't, write.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!
Those who dance are thought mad by those who hear not the music.
Those who forget this sentence are condemned to reread it.
Those who in quarrels interpose must often wipe a bloody nose.
Those who know 'how' will always have a job. Those who know 'why' will always be the boss.
Those who live by the nit, die by the nit.
Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
Those whom the gods would destroy, they first teach BASIC.
Tieline: the latest in neckwear
Time for lunch!
Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
To be great is to be misunderstood.
To be is to do. -- I. Kant. To do is to be. -- A. Sartre. Do be do be do. -- F. Sinatra. Yabba-Dabba-Doo! -- F. Flintstone
To be normal is to be boring.
To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
To err is human -- but usually a much better excuse is demanded.
To have a sense of humor is to be a tragic figure.
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
To know thyself is the ultimate form of aggression.
To laugh at people of sense is the privilege of fools.
To teach is to learn.
To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas any more!
Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
Truman's Law: "If you can't convince them, confuse them."
Trust in Allah, but tie your camel anyway.
Truth is a variable.
Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
Try spending a year dead for tax purposes.
Try the Moo Shi Pork. It is especially good today.
Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
Trying to get an education here is like trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
Turnaucka's Law: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
Twisted Pair: a couple of perverts
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Two heads are better than none.
Two heads are better than two tails.
Two people look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
Two's company, three's an orgy.
U.S. money is the worst looking money in the world.
UFO's are real -- the Air Force is swamp gas!
Under the most carefully controlled conditions of temperature, density, and pressure, the organism will do what it damn well pleases.
Unicorns aren't mythical -- virgins are!
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
Up from the ashes grows the roses of success.
Upward-Mobility Rule: "Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."
Use debugging compilers.
Use free-form input where possible.
Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure.
Use IF...ELSE IF...ELSE IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches.
Use library functions.
User: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
Vacuum Tube: a derogatory term (see "bubble memory").
Variable: Bisexual programmer.
Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
Violence on television only affects children whose parents act like television personalities.
Vogon poetry is of course the third worst poetry in the universe.
Volcano -- a mountain with hiccups.
Wake the kids, phone the neighbors, you don't have any mail waiting...hahahahah
Walk softly and carry a babel fish.
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
Warning: Do not drive or operate machinery after using this system.
Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
Watch out for off-by-one errors.
Watch out! I'm striking a significant Kirby pose!
We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
We always might win ... because the others might lose.
We are always the same age inside.
We are not anticipating any emergencies.
We both have the same problem -- you!
We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
We could really bust some heads, in a spiritual sense, of course.
We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking.
We used to discuss our problems over a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Now they are our problems.
We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Weisert's Law: "If somebody will fund it, somebody will do it."
Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, the women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What could possibly go wrong?
What does a sacred chao say? MU!
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
What is so awful about being drunk? Ask a glass of water!
What is wanted is not the will-to-believe, but the wish-to-find-out, which are exact opposites.
What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
What you don't know can't hurt you.
What's the frequency, Kenneth?
What's the good of being grown-up if you can't be childish?
When a man gets too big for his britches, he's likely to be exposed in the end.
When all is said and done, more is said than done.
When everything is worth money, then money is worth nothing.
When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
When I rest, I rust. (German proverb - "rast ich, so rost ich")
When I was 16, only girls 16 and younger were pretty. Now that I'm older, there are more pretty girls.
When in doubt, do what the President does: guess.
When in doubt, lead trump.
When the going gets tough, the weird turn pro.
When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
When the world is running down, you make the best of what's still around.
When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
When we write programs that "learn," it turns out that we do and they don't.
When your only tool is a hammer, you tend to treat everything you find like a nail.
Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
Who are you?
Who can count the cost of innumeracy?
Why backup tomorrow what you can backup today?
Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you could be impossible?
Why can't you be unique and original like everybody else?
Why did Douglas Hofstadter cross the road? To make this riddle possible.
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?
Why question authority when authority won't answer?
Will Rogers never met Howard Cosell
Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...by leaving it out.
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
Without scapegoats, humanity is bland. I blame the scapegoats for this.
Words are the voice of the heart.
Words must be weighed, not counted.
Would it save you some time if I just gave up and went mad now?
Write statement: Opposite of wrong statement.
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.
You are a migratory lifeform with a tropism for bookstores.
You are a migratory lifeform with a tropism for parties.
You are going to have a new love affair.
You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much of your time reading fortunes.
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.
You bash the Balrog, I'll climb the tree.
You can do a lot in a lifetime if you don't burn out too fast.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to swim on his back, you've got something.
You can never find a lost-and-found when you need one.
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
You didn't answer right away, did you?
You do not have mail.
You don't have to rehearse to be yourself.
You fill a much-needed gap.
You gotta be the greatest journalist around
You had mail.
You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
You have been selected for a secret mission.
You have been swapped out.
You have mail.
You knew the job was dangerous when you took it.
You know better than to trust a strange computer.
You know darlings, you look marvelous!
You look tired.
You may be aware of this, but I'm not working. I need to get repaired.
You might have mail.
You now have Asian Flu.
You should go home.
You simply must stop taking advice from other people.
You used to have mail. It was boring, so I deleted it.
You were born on a rotten day.
You were TOLD not to call me after midnight.
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
You will never know hunger.
You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
You will step on the night soil of many countries.
You won't find any profanity here; this is a family system, dammit!
You won't find any profanity here; this is a family system.
You'll be called to a post requiring high ability in handling groups of people.
You'll find I'm full of surprises.
You'll PAY to know what you REALLY think.
You're never too old to have a happy childhood.
You're only as good as they think you are.
Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
Your code should be more efficient!
Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
Your empty file directory has been deleted.
Your fifteen minutes are up. Please step aside.
Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.
Your salary will be increased.
Your supervisor is thinking about you.
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
